i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
