I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
