He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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