apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
