So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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