What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
