So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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