how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
