i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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