Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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