Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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