I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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