Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
