How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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