You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
