So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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