o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
