Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
