My friends, they love my intelligence
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
