i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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