So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
