I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
