i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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