i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
