Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god