the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
