if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My vagina is officially offended.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
