I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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