I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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