Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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