Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
