my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Randomize
