I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
