he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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