Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
