my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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