my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
