census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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