well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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