As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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