i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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