he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
