i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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