If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
