Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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