Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
