I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
