I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
