I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
