Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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