Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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