I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
