she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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