im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
