I can text with my tongue
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
