At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
