She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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