Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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