I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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