ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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