not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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