Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
