I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
