Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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